Something has been different about the last few years I had mostly attributed to becoming a mother. Through our journey to conceive through IVF, a somewhat traumatic birth, with an unplanned c-section and moving to Tasmania in 2021 to find freedom during Covid restrictions in Melbourne, my nervous system has been getting stuck in fight and flight.
Being highly attuned to my nervous system, I tuned in. Got connected.
Something was shifting. I didn’t feel like myself. To be honest it felt like I was a bit of a stranger and I had an unusual sense of self. This has been on and off since moving to Tassie in 2021 in a post Covid world, a new mother and leaving Melbourne, a home I’ve known for 25 years.
Perimenopause was on my radar, and I had talked to my integrative GP about my hormones… I started a low dose of progesterone and given my symptoms were spot on for this season I started to investigate what was happening. Then a workshop popped up… it literally blew my mind.
Everything I had been feeling emotionally started to make sense. I’m writing this as a way to extrapolate more from what I heard, to make sense of my experience in the depths of perimenopause, while also aiming to translate what I learned into something meaningful to help others navigate this season. I’m assured it is just a season.
Perimenopause - The Emotional and Mental Turmoil, ‘the heading’ spoke volumes to me. I read the blurb for the workshop and after living in a full rage of negative thoughts and spiralling rapidly in my premenstrual phase, I was called to attend. Even though I’d been on a two-day first aid course and my brain was at capacity, I knew there was something I needed to hear.
What Nicole Kingston from Beyond the Seed described was the emotional response to the estrogen decline in women’s bodies. Simply put, estrogen is the carer hormone and as it wanes so does our ability to please and ‘care’ in order to receive love. This is due to the nervous system and estrogen’s impact on the social connection part of our nervous system. As social beings we grow up adapting to our caregivers needs, through needing their love and support in the early years. Now, in later life we come back to a version of ourselves without needing to please anyone. And, as such the impact this looking more inwardly can rupture our relationships and sense of self.
All the times we said yes verbally to ‘please’ someone, when our body said no. We feel incongruent. Not ourselves. Foreign.
This is what’s been happening to me. I literally find it impossible to say ‘yes’ at the expense of my needs or if it doesn’t feel right for me. It sounds like a good thing, right? But, in reality it’s so uncomfortable. Hearing myself in my responses, I am at times unable to recognise myself.
As an ‘older mum’, I had my son at 42 after undertaking two rounds of IVF and my daughter through natural conception at 44, no one had ever spoken to me about the possibility of entering into perimenopause so rapidly postpartum. Signs were there pretty early in postpartum. Mostly, medical professionals I spoke to classified what I was experiencing as postnatal depression/anxiety especially due to breastfeeding challenges.
Only now am I realising the changes going on are leading me to an awakening. Of myself, my needs and when they are unmet - I am unable to shut down, push in and repress my feelings in a way estrogen in the past has allowed me to do, due to fear of being excluded from my loved ones or tribe.
There was so much covered in the workshop… about the anger and rage bubbling up, scattered nervous system which can look like ADHD. That this is a time to shed our armour (I loved hearing this) and let our nervous system be open to the choice to be our authentic selves.
Lastly, all the changes can result in you not feeling safe within yourself.
This is where yoga comes in.
When I come back to my yoga and movement practice I can turn down the volume on the thoughts and stories. Tuning into what I need. Knowing movement is medicine. Embodying yoga a practice to be experienced. In the body, with the body and through the body.
Knowing all about the practices does not help in the depths of sleep deprivation in early parenthood/motherhood. Only the practice will move the energy in your body (or other forms of movement), the key is to start moving.
Other suggestions to counter the cortisol going up is getting natural dopamine through journaling (writing this is helping me right now), meditation, exercise and nature.
Beyond the emotional rollercoaster, an awakening has become. One that invites us to turn inwards to tend to our wounds and needs to create a new sense of safety.
It's time to love yourself more than ever. If you’d like to move with me sign up below and I’ll be sharing more about my journey, free yoga practices and generally helping you find a rhythm during this time.
Of course, please seek any medical support you need to navigate this season and listen to your body for what is right for you.
Thank you for the opportunity to share my experience and insights with you. You’re not alone.
Much love,
Atika